Is a healthy and evergreen marriage a pipedream these days?
Friday, July 15, 2016 - Posted by SunnyHealth - 0 comments

Early this week, the Department of Statistics (Singstat) revealed data to indicate that there have been more divorces and fewer marriages in Singapore last year. While characteristic of educated, developed populations in an era whereby divorcing and single parenthood have become more socially and legally acceptable, this undoubtedly poses greater challenges to our struggles to increase our replacement rate. 

Certainly, getting a divorce may be better for the emotional health of all parties if the marriage is unsalvageable. This is especially so if children are involved; the stress on keeping up the façade will not only cause plenty of tension but also give the children the wrong ideas about the norms of a healthy relationship.

Nevertheless, rather than going with the flow and accepting that divorce is a common phenomenon these days, we have to question if people are getting hitched for the wrong reasons, if they’re treating marriage to casually, and if they are putting in sufficient effort to keep a marriage going.

Much as we would like to believe that love is a substantial reason for marriage, it is not sufficient for a successful marriage and family in the long-term. Worst yet, I’ve encountered many people who rush into engagements with people they have not even been dating for a long time just because they want to own a BTO flat.

There is a saying that goes "Marriage is like a gamble". But life is short and why would you want to gamble away what is possibly the ripest time of your life on the wrong person? Certainly, there is no absolute guarantee for any relationship, and people do change. However, one can gauge the future of their marriage from the quality of their relationship before marriage.

Indicators of a successful, healthy relationship include:

Good communication.
Both parties are willing to listen to each other and discuss differences.

Realistic expectations from the relationship.
Someone who dreams of having a family complete with children would not be a good fit for someone who's really looking for a life-long travel partner to tour the world. Meanwhile, someone who enjoys taking risks and chasing dreams may feel restricted by a partner who craves stability and financial security. It is important to get to know one another's expectations before committing to each other.
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The couple enjoy each other’s personality traits.
You don’t have to love every single thing about your significant other, but if the fact that your partner’s ability to leave mountains of mess around the house or poor financial management skills are grating to you, something needs to be done. One major peeve is enough to ruin a marriage if it is an issue that leads to constant arguments and dissatisfaction. Talk about it, and see whether being more accommodating, or making changes, or both, are in order. Never assume “Oh he/she loves me and I’ll be able to make him/her change”.

Ability to resolve conflicts effectively
Not only between each other, but also when conflicts arise concerning families of both sides.

Agree on religious and ethical values.
Differences in religious and ethical values have always been major sources of disagreement. If you can’t share similar views, or at least agree to disagree, they could become fuel in quarrels. Also bear in mind that these are issues that will be unavoidable in the child-rearing process and will give rise to conflict if both parents can’t agree on what values to impart to their children. 

Believe in egalitarianism in the relationship.
This means that both parties do not define roles in the relationship by gender. Neither partner is superior or has higher priority over the other, and their contributions would be viewed as having equal value to the benefit of the household or relationship. Dissatisfaction over the perceived amount of contribution from each party is a common source of unhappiness.

Have a good balance of joint and individual interests and activities.
We all need some personal time for ourselves. Spending all available time together means more opportunities for conflict. Moreover, both should have the freedom to pursue their own interests on an individual basis. Forcing someone to keep you company doing things he/she doesn’t enjoy is a sure-fire way of creating unhappiness.

That said, if you’re already in a marriage that is missing some of the above, don’t fret. All marriages require effort to maintain, some more than others. But as long as you and your partner treasure each other and do what you can to keep the marriage going, it will keep going. The most common mistake people make is taking their partners for granted. Think of marriage like a career that both you and your significant other share. There are hurdles to overcome, but the sense of satisfaction gained from achieving milestones is immense.

Indeed, a healthy, happy marriage goes a long way in enriching one’s life and emotional well-being. Moreover, it also serves as a form of insurance in old age when companionship becomes more important then ever. It is a great reassurance to know that there will be someone with you to walk till the journey’s end.


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