In the aftermath of the disappearance of the MH370, the reactions of the relatives have been plastered all over the media, drawing opinions from the public, most of it being sympathy, but some, scathing remarks, suggesting that the relatives were playing up the drama with their loud wails, or acting like vultures, or just being plain unreasonable and ungrateful. Whatever the reasoning for their behaviours, we don't know, not being directly in their shoes, but one thing is definite – there is no “correct way” to grief, and suggesting that some of the victims’ families are "showing their ugly side" is being unfairly judgmental.
It is never right to judge the reactions one displays when grieving, because loss affects people in various ways, and a wide range of emotions, or even lack of it, may be displayed.
Aside from crying and sadness, other common reactions include shock and disbelief, guilt (over things you did or didn’t, could or couldn’t say or do), anger (the need to blame someone for the injustice for the loss), fear (about your own insecurities or adapting to a life without the person). Sometimes, none of these emotions are displayed, but physical problems like nausea, fatigue, weight gain or loss, insomnia and falling ill due to lowered immunity may set in.
Helping someone to cope with grief
Connecting with others helps in the healing process. Depending on the grieving person’s reactions or behaviour, the way you can go about offering help and support would differ. Some people are more vocal about their emotions and take the initiative to confide in others. Others believe that it is a sign of weakness and prefer to put up a strong front while suffering internally. Regardless of how they behave, knowing that someone is there for them is a huge relief for them. If you’re sincere about helping, you should never consider yourself as an intruder and give up when they don't seem appreciative of your presence.
What to say to a grieving person
This is something most people feel awkward about and fumble with. One of the most important rules of the thumb is to never attempt the “I know how you feel” remark, because not only does it not help, it is usually not true, or at least, not entirely, and comes across as frivolous.
The American Cancer Society offers these suggestions as a guide:
• Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
• Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
• Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
• Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
• Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.
Lending a Listening Ear
Usually, there is little you can do to reduce the sense of loss, especially when the tragedy is recent. But being a good listener helps encourage the grieving person to open up and release themselves emotionally. When faced with someone who isn't keen to talk, do not attempt to force him/her to open up, but try non-intrusive questions like “Do you feel like talking?” “You might feel better if you let it all out. I’m here if you need someone to talk to.”
Tips on being a good listener
- Understand that silence can be golden. If the grieving person doesn't want to continue talking, don’t press him. Don’t offer your comments or judgment unless you’re asked for it.
- Be patient. The grieving person may repeat accounts or something they have said previously. Retelling is helpful for some in reducing the pain, and it should not be interrupted.
- Accept all feelings and reactions. Unless the grieving person is doing something that will cause harm to oneself or others (in which case you need to call in medical professionals), assure that they have free reign to express their emotions in whichever way they find most comfortable. Some people cry, scream, break down or make blind accusations, then feel utterly ashamed of their behaviour and exhibit social withdrawal. Let them know that you won’t judge them by their behaviour.
- If you have had a similar experience of loss, you may share it, but don’t attempt to make comparisons or belittle their grief.
Help out with the daily necessities
A grieving person often has no energy or mood to see about their daily needs. They may feel embarrassed or not have motivation to ask for help, so take the initiative. Here are some things you can help out with:
- Help with funeral arrangements
- Cook for them, or buy premade food with as little preparation work required as possible.
- Run important errands and make sure bills are paid on time
- Take care of the more important housework, such as changing the bed sheets and washing the clothes
- If there are children, pets or house plants, help to make sure they don’t go neglected.
And when they are feeling stronger and willing to go out and about, you can :
- Accompany them on a walk or wherever they wish to go
- Treat them to an enjoyable activity like a movie or a day out to the theme park
- Go with them to a support group
Time should eventually fade the scars, but if the bereaved is still displaying odd behaviour in relation to grieving, especially after two months, or if the behaviour gets worst with time, professional help will be needed. Grieving can lead to depression and even suicidal thoughts if the negative emotions are not properly managed.
Warning signs include:
- Difficulty managing daily life
- Neglecting personal hygiene
- Turning to alcoholism, drug abuse and excessive smoking
- Hallucinating
- Frequent nightmares
- Inability to derive joy from delightful activities
- Social withdrawal
- Constantly feeling bitter, angry, guilty or hopeless
- Talk or interest in death or suicide
Many hospitals in Singapore offer Grief Counselling and therapy. The Singapore Association for Mental Health has a toll-free counselling helpline as well as counselling sessions that only charge a token donation. They will refer clients to a psychiatrist or relevant agencies in the community if necessary. Appointments can be made via http://www.samhealth.org.sg/counselling/
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